Category Archives: 100 Things

May 20 2010

Conspiraporn’s List of Things that Piss Me Off: #87

Surely there are 100 things I could list that piss me off

87) GETTING A BONER OVER 12 YEAR OLDS

You might be a borderline pedophile piece of shit, if you’re over the age of 25 and are lusting after Emma Watson and Dakota Fanning. Maybe it’s because I’ve never watched any of those moronic and trendy HARRY POTTER movies, nor read the books, because, well, I actually have taste and an IQ above a donkey. If you were a grown man watching those films when Emma Watson was 14 years old and getting a chubby, you really have some soul searching to do. Seriously, what kind of scum bag was watching the crappy WAR OF THE WORLDS remake when Dakota Fanning was 10 years old and thinking “man I can’t wait until she’s 18!”. Seriously, these girls aren’t even that attractive, they are average, yet all these celebrity gossip websites are full of, 30 something year old dudes, talking about how hot Dakota Fanning’s ass is, and how they love to “hit” Emma Watson. Get a fucking life losers, there’s a reason the only pussy you’re getting is fantasy and online. It’s the same reason I can’t see the Olsen twins as sex symbols. I still remember when I wasn’t even a teenager and they were the ugliest baby on TV.

May 3 2010

CONSPIRAPORN’S List of Things that Piss Me Off: #88

Surely there are 100 things I could list that piss me off

http://samuelatgilgal.files.wordpress.com/2008/05/eugenics.jpg?w=301&h=172

88) The Failure of Eugenics

I propose that we reconsider the viability of the various Eugenic sciences, and evaluate how the truly human stock might benefit from the weeding of lesser races. Why, it was not in the intentions of the great philosophers of our illustrious history (See: Plato, Nietzsche) to allow for  inferior seed to overcome the righteous life-force of genetic procreation. We cannot permit for the continued perpetuation of sexual promiscuity to interfere with the blossoming of our pricelessly ripe fruit; lest we be overcome by lowly insects, maggots and flies, that will pluck the nectar from our patient and deserving lips. For the betterment of all races, it must openly be a white world, only allowing the half-breeds to procreate under our allowances, so forth.

May 3 2010

CONSPIRAPORN’S List of Things that Piss Me Off: #89

Surely there are 100 things I could list that piss me off

http://cache.gawker.com/assets/images/7/2009/06/504x_Masturbating_Bear.flv.jpg

89) Chronic Masturbation

We’ve all been there, we’ve all done it, don’t lie. I don’t care if you’re a guy or a girl, we all occasionally “pop the weasel”. But how much TLC is too much TLC? You’re supposed to eat 3 meals a day, and defecate regularly; while some people smoke a pack of cigarettes a day or drink a six-pack of beer with relatively little public ostracizing. So why is it that if you masturbate, say, 57 times per week it’s considered a “immoral thing”? Why is it that I’m now “in need of mental evaluation” and have my arms handcuffed behind my back for 22 hours a day? Since when does masturbating 57 times a week, while watching Oprah, alone in the privacy of my own home, require “shock therapy sessions” to be administrated by Nurse Helga every 12 hours? Why is being too lazy for sex, making yourself blind, and loving hairy palms a crime? And if you’re morbidly obese, incredibly ugly, or unbelievably stupid, you should masturbate even more! We don’t want y’all breeding now, do we? Whip it, whip it good!

Apr 24 2010

CONSPIRAPORN’S LIST OF THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF: #90

Surely there are 100 things I could list that piss me off

90) Spammers

As I write this, I’ve got this D-Bag spam machine who is polluting my website with endless dick pictures and viagra bullshit. Once a year or so he crawls out of his pedophilic torture chamber of delights and starts posting an abundance of porn-viagra adds at my forum. However, this time, the fucker has gone spam crazy (obviously he’s found a new spamming toy to utilize) and is posting 20, 30, 40+ spam messages a day, all with the same cum-guzzling chicks eating dong, with titles like “Grandpaw’s Lucky Day”, and “Donkey Dick Fantasies Come To Life”. Every other word is mis-spelled, and he’s relentlessly making a huge annoyance of himself. Here is a message to spammers like this everywhere: YOU ARE GOING TO FUCKING DIE. No questions asked, simultaneously, every mass-spammer in the world is going to spontaneously combust in a fire of genital putrification and a tormentingly bloody bout of erectile mortification. In other words, the Devil’s Fire is gonna jump out of your tiny little dicks and consume you in a blaze of torture for all eternity. Dante is going to create a special ring of hell just for you to grovel and crawl in. Have fun in the pit, bitch-faces!

Apr 10 2010

Conspiraporn’s List of Things that Piss Me Off: #91

Surely there are 100 things I could list that piss me off

http://minista.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/douchebag.jpg?w=172&h=214

91) People who create lists

You hear that you bitch! I’m talking to you! Why do you feel the need to make a list of things just because it’s the popular and trendy thing to do? You should be ashamed of yourself, you’re clearly not living up to your full potential and are obviously letting down your family and friends. You must be so proud: “Oh, look at me, I created a list to post on the Internet, I’m so cool!” What a fucking loser your are, deserving of the mockery of the gods. I pity you and spit on your memory! The tombstone of the Internet will be a list of 10 reasons why the Internet collapsed and why our monkey-oppressors are now holding the knife to our throats with devilish glee.  I’m also pissed that THIS DUDE already made a list of 100 things that piss him off! I swear, nothing is original these days.

Apr 10 2010

Conspiraporn’s List of Things that Piss Me Off: #92

Surely there are 100 things I could list that piss me off

http://www.websitedesignbasics.com/templates/pickle/pickle5.jpg

92) Phallic Shaped Fruits and Vegetables

I’m on to you pickles! I’ve got your number cucumbers! Don’t even think about it bananas and zucchini! Has this ever happened to you?: You’re just sitting there minding your own businesses, when all of a sudden, BAM! There’s a giant cucumber stuffed up your ass! How the hell did that get there?! Or maybe you’re taking a nice bubble bath and enjoying a book by candle-light when out of nowhere, BAM! There’s a large banana shoved down your throat and two dill pickles firmly inserted in your butt-hole! Enjoying a nice, leisurely stroll through the park on a spring day? Be alert or the next thing you know your sphincter and mouth with be violated by perverted fruits and vegetables that will use your tender flesh as their fertile soil. And don’t even get me started on hot-dogs, they are the devil’s hell hound!!!

Apr 10 2010

Conspiraporn’s List of Things that Piss Me Off: #93

Surely there are 100 things I could list that piss me off

http://www.conceptart.org/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=316191&stc=1&d=1204500837

93) Sexy Vampires

If there are gonna be sexy vampires, at least make them hot ladies with big tits. Otherwise, you’re kinda boring me. Back in the day, Dracula was the epitome of undead machismo, then came Blacula and all hell broke lose in the Vampire Universe. I understand that sex plays a big part in the vampire mythos, but in no way is it meant to be interpreted as the PRIMARY MOTIVATION of vampire entertainment. Vampires are meant to be frightening and haunting harbingers of death and disease, not this month’s cover-boy on ‘TEENBOP’ magazine. When your 5 year old little sister just “loooooooves” vampires and has posters hanging on her wall, you know you’ve got a big problem on your hands deserving of full scale intervention. Don’t invite them in to your home, they’ve hypnotized you all! “Oooh, but there’s a deeper message behind sexy male vampire movies”. Really? STFU!

Apr 10 2010

Conspiraporn’s List of Things that Piss Me Off: #94

Surely there are 100 things I could list that piss me off

http://thecount.com/wp-content/uploads/wk15p1_00030_simoncowell_009.jpg

94) Simon Cowell

What more needs to be said? This dude is the reason all religious texts are pointing towards 2012 as the apocalypse. Typical “scathing British” review, with formulaic GONG SHOW ingenuity; AMERICAN IDOL is the reason suicide was invented and David Carradine accidentally hung himself while masturbating in a closet. Simply put, Simon Cowell sucks donkey dicks while America votes for the least horrible and most attractive moron they can find. If he had an action figure based after him it would come with “Satan Cock Guzzling Action!”. Cowell couldn’t even beat an Alzheimer’s patient in a game of checkers at the park bench. For Christ’s sake, Chef Gordon Ramsey has more talent than this man-boobed twit, at least he can cook and cleans your kitchen. It’s shows like these that makes America the most stupidestest nation on earth. It gets you to expect everything while getting nothing besides broken dreams, smelly VD, and a coke addiction.

Apr 10 2010

Conspiraporn’s List of Things that Piss Me Off: #95

Surely there are 100 things I could list that piss me off

95) The “Truth Movement”

The self-described “Truth Movement” can suck it! That includes patriotic savior Ron Paul, retarded radio host Alex Jones, morbidly obese taco-monster Michael Moore, corporate shills like Keith Olbermann, and fake psyops movies like LOOSE CHANGE and ZEITGEIST also fit in to this category. Get it through your fucking head, the “Truth Movement” was nothing more than a controlled opposition ploy by the Powers That Be in order to misdirect attention and herd the mass-populace after the events of 9/11. They used the Internet and talk radio to neuter your balls and make you follow “alternative leaders” who led you into a stinking corral of ineffectiveness and faux-activism. More than 75% of the “Truth Movement” is absolute bullshit, filled with ill informed drunks, paranoid racists, and wig wearing lovers of George Washington – content with holding up a stupid sign at one of those lame ass “Tea Parties”. It’s fucks like you that make me want to burn the flag and constitution before throwing my computer out the window: hypocritical, gun-toting, Christian morons pretending they’re knowledgeable and “chosen”. As soon as Charlie Sheen and Rosie O’Donnell became “great heroes” of the “patriot movement”, you knew you were riding around in a clown car headed towards a cliff.

Apr 7 2010

Conspiraporn’s List of Things that Piss Me Off: #96

Surely there are 100 things I could list that piss me off

http://www.beerme.com/graphics/brewery/4/4445/3994.jpg

96) Bad people living forever

Why the fuck is Dick Cheney still alive? Is it that robotic baboon heart that keeps his blood flowing or the continual sacrifice of 8 year old virgins? Sure, Richard Nixon kicked the bucket a few years back, but why is it that the good die young while the pedophile priests and perverts seem to live to be 90 years old? Why is it that both of my grandfathers are dead while the Pope, who is just as old, drives around in a bullet proof glass box and gets to wear his big, stupid, pointy hat every day? Maybe it’s because evil fears retribution in the afterlife, so lives longer in order to avoid judgment? Evil is a coward.

Apr 7 2010

Conspiraporn’s List of Things that Piss Me Off: #97

Surely there are 100 things I could list that piss me off

http://teamyee.tv/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/perezhilton.jpg

97) Perez Hilton

If ever there was a waste of physical and digital space, Perez Hilton would fit that category. With no discernable talent for journalism, art, website design, original thought, or general usefulness, Perez has somehow managed to become a household name (if your household consists of feces throwing apes who are addicted to meth and violent masturbation). I honestly wish that somebody would punch this dude right in the face and steal his Twinkies so they could show it live on TMZ. This goes for 99% of all “reality celebrities” and faggish gossip whores: “YOU SUCK DIRTY ASSHOLES FOR A LIVING!” Live it up cum-rags, in a couple years you’ll be on ‘Good Morning America’ with snot on your nose and tears in your eyes, begging for forgiveness like Jimmy Swaggert after you got caught fucking that underage, transvestite goat.

Apr 7 2010

Conspiraporn’s List of Things that Piss Me Off: #98

Surely there are 100 things I could list that piss me off

http://www.glassesfree3dtv.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/3d-tv-without-glasses.jpg

98) 3-D movies for $15 bucks

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me? OK, the movie AVATAR wasn’t bad for an adult version of ‘The Smurfs’, but if you think that we’re all gonna shell out $15 bucks for an extra pair of glasses you can stick your projector where the sun don’t shine! If people go spend $150 million on ‘Alvin and the Chipmunks III in 3D’, America deserves to be bombed back in to the stone-age by towel headed monkey-bar enthusiasts. In 3 years time they’ll upgrade again and charge us even more, where does it end? How many times do you really need to fucking watch STAR WARS on a big screen, or a generic reinvention of STAR WARS, before you burn the theater down like the finale of INGLORIOUS BASTERDS? Take a stand and boycott $15 dollar movie tickets! For fuck’s sake, boycott ALL Hollywood bullshit and pointless “new and improved” technology from now on. Don’t just follow the trend like some blind jack-ass surfing their lives down the Twitter drain.

Apr 7 2010

Conspiraporn’s List of Things that Piss Me Off: #99

Surely there are 100 things I could list that piss me off

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v735/thenextgr/black_guy_missing_teeth.jpg

99) People who eat hard candy and swallow their gum

What the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously?! You’re gonna take a ‘jolly rancher’ and start biting on it first thing? Crunch, crunch, crunch. You don’t fucking eat hard candy you dumb ass, you suck on it and savor the flavor. Just like you don’t take a bottle of wine and guzzle it in two minutes. If you don’t like it, spit it out. If you like it, there’s no need to devour it like a simple-minded buffoon! And gum, why the hell do you feel the need to swallow gum? You’re like a desert pack animal regurgitating its cud that doesn’t know when to spit or swallow. There’s a crossed wire in your mind-to-mouth reflexes! You don’t bite hard candy, and you don’t swallow gum, get a clue you nerds!

Apr 7 2010

Conspiraporn’s List of Things that Piss Me Off: #100

Surely there are 100 things I could list that piss me off (and everybody probably has an equally long list of persistently persisting annoyances). But this is my list dammit, get your own list! Otherwise you’ll end up on my next list you fucktards, and you don’t want that to happen. Or maybe you do, you look like the type who wants to be abused and ridiculed before a live audience. Fuck! Well, here is a list, sure to be perpetually growing, of things that really get on my nerves! And no, it’s not in any particular order. What are you looking at limp dick? Read the damn entry already.

http://www.offrampbums.com/pam.jpg

100) Pamela Anderson

I’m sorry to inform you, but Pamela Anderson is hideous. I don’t care how much makeup ‘Dancing with the Stars’ has plastered on her or that Borat wanted to bone her. This bitch hasn’t been sexy since the mid 90’s, before she was spotted guzzling Tommy Lee’s dong in the McDonald’s drive-through. She looks like Joan Rivers with big, fake tits, and I’m not real impressed that she is a member of P.E.T.A., as if that makes her somehow redeemable. She’s a deformed, plastic doll who will forever be included in the depressing and talentless circle of Paris Hilton and Anna Nicole Smith in a competition for who will still be remembered in 10 years. The “celebrity” surrounding these people is as fake and illusory as those silicone implants once were.