Category 100 Things

Apr 10 2010

Conspiraporn’s List of Things that Piss Me Off: #92

Surely there are 100 things I could list that piss me off

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92) Phallic Shaped Fruits and Vegetables

I’m on to you pickles! I’ve got your number cucumbers! Don’t even think about it bananas and zucchini! Has this ever happened to you?: You’re just sitting there minding your own businesses, when all of a sudden, BAM! There’s a giant cucumber stuffed up your ass! How the hell did that get there?! Or maybe you’re taking a nice bubble bath and enjoying a book by candle-light when out of nowhere, BAM! There’s a large banana shoved down your throat and two dill pickles firmly inserted in your butt-hole! Enjoying a nice, leisurely stroll through the park on a spring day? Be alert or the next thing you know your sphincter and mouth with be violated by perverted fruits and vegetables that will use your tender flesh as their fertile soil. And don’t even get me started on hot-dogs, they are the devil’s hell hound!!!

Apr 10 2010

Conspiraporn’s List of Things that Piss Me Off: #93

Surely there are 100 things I could list that piss me off

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93) Sexy Vampires

If there are gonna be sexy vampires, at least make them hot ladies with big tits. Otherwise, you’re kinda boring me. Back in the day, Dracula was the epitome of undead machismo, then came Blacula and all hell broke lose in the Vampire Universe. I understand that sex plays a big part in the vampire mythos, but in no way is it meant to be interpreted as the PRIMARY MOTIVATION of vampire entertainment. Vampires are meant to be frightening and haunting harbingers of death and disease, not this month’s cover-boy on ‘TEENBOP’ magazine. When your 5 year old little sister just “loooooooves” vampires and has posters hanging on her wall, you know you’ve got a big problem on your hands deserving of full scale intervention. Don’t invite them in to your home, they’ve hypnotized you all! “Oooh, but there’s a deeper message behind sexy male vampire movies”. Really? STFU!

Apr 10 2010

Conspiraporn’s List of Things that Piss Me Off: #94

Surely there are 100 things I could list that piss me off

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94) Simon Cowell

What more needs to be said? This dude is the reason all religious texts are pointing towards 2012 as the apocalypse. Typical “scathing British” review, with formulaic GONG SHOW ingenuity; AMERICAN IDOL is the reason suicide was invented and David Carradine accidentally hung himself while masturbating in a closet. Simply put, Simon Cowell sucks donkey dicks while America votes for the least horrible and most attractive moron they can find. If he had an action figure based after him it would come with “Satan Cock Guzzling Action!”. Cowell couldn’t even beat an Alzheimer’s patient in a game of checkers at the park bench. For Christ’s sake, Chef Gordon Ramsey has more talent than this man-boobed twit, at least he can cook and cleans your kitchen. It’s shows like these that makes America the most stupidestest nation on earth. It gets you to expect everything while getting nothing besides broken dreams, smelly VD, and a coke addiction.

Apr 10 2010

Conspiraporn’s List of Things that Piss Me Off: #95

Surely there are 100 things I could list that piss me off

95) The “Truth Movement”

The self-described “Truth Movement” can suck it! That includes patriotic savior Ron Paul, retarded radio host Alex Jones, morbidly obese taco-monster Michael Moore, corporate shills like Keith Olbermann, and fake psyops movies like LOOSE CHANGE and ZEITGEIST also fit in to this category. Get it through your fucking head, the “Truth Movement” was nothing more than a controlled opposition ploy by the Powers That Be in order to misdirect attention and herd the mass-populace after the events of 9/11. They used the Internet and talk radio to neuter your balls and make you follow “alternative leaders” who led you into a stinking corral of ineffectiveness and faux-activism. More than 75% of the “Truth Movement” is absolute bullshit, filled with ill informed drunks, paranoid racists, and wig wearing lovers of George Washington – content with holding up a stupid sign at one of those lame ass “Tea Parties”. It’s fucks like you that make me want to burn the flag and constitution before throwing my computer out the window: hypocritical, gun-toting, Christian morons pretending they’re knowledgeable and “chosen”. As soon as Charlie Sheen and Rosie O’Donnell became “great heroes” of the “patriot movement”, you knew you were riding around in a clown car headed towards a cliff.

Apr 7 2010

Conspiraporn’s List of Things that Piss Me Off: #96

Surely there are 100 things I could list that piss me off

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96) Bad people living forever

Why the fuck is Dick Cheney still alive? Is it that robotic baboon heart that keeps his blood flowing or the continual sacrifice of 8 year old virgins? Sure, Richard Nixon kicked the bucket a few years back, but why is it that the good die young while the pedophile priests and perverts seem to live to be 90 years old? Why is it that both of my grandfathers are dead while the Pope, who is just as old, drives around in a bullet proof glass box and gets to wear his big, stupid, pointy hat every day? Maybe it’s because evil fears retribution in the afterlife, so lives longer in order to avoid judgment? Evil is a coward.