Surely there are 100 things I could list that piss me off

89) Chronic Masturbation

We’ve all been there, we’ve all done it, don’t lie. I don’t care if you’re a guy or a girl, we all occasionally “pop the weasel”. But how much TLC is too much TLC? You’re supposed to eat 3 meals a day, and defecate regularly; while some people smoke a pack of cigarettes a day or drink a six-pack of beer with relatively little public ostracizing. So why is it that if you masturbate, say, 57 times per week it’s considered a “immoral thing”? Why is it that I’m now “in need of mental evaluation” and have my arms handcuffed behind my back for 22 hours a day? Since when does masturbating 57 times a week, while watching Oprah, alone in the privacy of my own home, require “shock therapy sessions” to be administrated by Nurse Helga every 12 hours? Why is being too lazy for sex, making yourself blind, and loving hairy palms a crime? And if you’re morbidly obese, incredibly ugly, or unbelievably stupid, you should masturbate even more! We don’t want y’all breeding now, do we? Whip it, whip it good!