Category WTF?!

Apr 7 2010

Conspiraporn’s List of Things that Piss Me Off: #97

Surely there are 100 things I could list that piss me off

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97) Perez Hilton

If ever there was a waste of physical and digital space, Perez Hilton would fit that category. With no discernable talent for journalism, art, website design, original thought, or general usefulness, Perez has somehow managed to become a household name (if your household consists of feces throwing apes who are addicted to meth and violent masturbation). I honestly wish that somebody would punch this dude right in the face and steal his Twinkies so they could show it live on TMZ. This goes for 99% of all “reality celebrities” and faggish gossip whores: “YOU SUCK DIRTY ASSHOLES FOR A LIVING!” Live it up cum-rags, in a couple years you’ll be on ‘Good Morning America’ with snot on your nose and tears in your eyes, begging for forgiveness like Jimmy Swaggert after you got caught fucking that underage, transvestite goat.

Apr 7 2010

Conspiraporn’s List of Things that Piss Me Off: #99

Surely there are 100 things I could list that piss me off

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99) People who eat hard candy and swallow their gum

What the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously?! You’re gonna take a ‘jolly rancher’ and start biting on it first thing? Crunch, crunch, crunch. You don’t fucking eat hard candy you dumb ass, you suck on it and savor the flavor. Just like you don’t take a bottle of wine and guzzle it in two minutes. If you don’t like it, spit it out. If you like it, there’s no need to devour it like a simple-minded buffoon! And gum, why the hell do you feel the need to swallow gum? You’re like a desert pack animal regurgitating its cud that doesn’t know when to spit or swallow. There’s a crossed wire in your mind-to-mouth reflexes! You don’t bite hard candy, and you don’t swallow gum, get a clue you nerds!

Apr 6 2010

Blame the Damn Jews!

Living the Dream: Uncircumcised in America

I’m a typical American male save one thing: my dick. Thanks to my hippie parents, I’m uncircumcised. But I’m not resentful about it. I’m proud. I have to be.

Because being “Whole in America” isn’t always easy. Growing up I always wondered why I was so unlike the other boys, why my penis looked like “a pink doggy dick,” as some helpful elementary school friends pointed out. I was confused by my own body, not knowing what God I offended as to be born with a foreskin.

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Apr 6 2010

6 Depraved Sexual Fetishes Older Than You Think

Bizarre sexual fetishes are a staple of the human psyche–most everyone has them, and with the arrival of Internet porn, all the walls came crumbling down. Suddenly, everyone everywhere could share their sick, nasty fantasies with the entire world, safe under a veil of anonymity.

But the Internet by no means invented these things. As it turns out, they’ve been around way longer than that stain in your Honda.

Apr 5 2010

Ritual Sacrifice of Children on Rise in Uganda

JINJA, Uganda — Caroline Aya was playing in front of her house in January when a neighbor put a cloth over her mouth and fled with her.

A couple of days later, the 8-year-old’s body was found a short walk away — with her tongue cut out. Police believe she was offered up as a human sacrifice in a ritual killing, thought to bring wealth or health.

“If it is a sickness you try to treat it, and if they die that is one thing,” said Caroline’s father, Balluonzima Christ. “But when you slaughter a person like a goat, that is not easy.”