Shape Shifting Lizard Skin Cream

Shapeshifting from lizard to human form is great for controlling Earth so you can mine gold to save your dying homeworld, but it’s not so great for your skin. When you’re juggling appointments and global depopulation deadlines, you don’t have time for an exhaustive skincare regime, especially after you’ve been up all night sodomising infants on a blood-soaked altar.

Decoding Secret Societies

Masonic symbols also pop up in music videos by Nicki Minaj, Jay-Z, and Lady Gaga—these appearances are viewed by conspiracy theorists as evidence of a plot by the secret elite to brainwash the public into submission. And now, Masonic and Odd Fellows folk art, like hand-painted silk flags, are popping up in trendy Brooklyn restaurants as quirky decorative pieces.


Missile Defense Agency Addicted to Conspiraporn!

The Pentagon’s Missile Defense Agency warned its employees and contractors last week to stop using their government computers to surf the Internet for pornographic sites, according to the agency’s executive director. In a one-page memo, Executive Director John James Jr. wrote that in recent months government employees and contractors were detected ‘engaging in inappropriate use of the MDA network… Individuals identified as violating the rules face referral for ‘appropriate’ disciplinary action, he wrote. They put ‘their security clearances in jeopardy, and are subject to suspension and removal from federal service or MDA sponsored contracts.’ Agency spokesman Rick Lehner said in an e-mail that the memo was written in response to ‘a few people downloading material from some websites that were known to have had virus and malware issues.