Surely there are 100 things I could list that piss me off

99) People who eat hard candy and swallow their gum

What the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously?! You’re gonna take a ‘jolly rancher’ and start biting on it first thing? Crunch, crunch, crunch. You don’t fucking eat hard candy you dumb ass, you suck on it and savor the flavor. Just like you don’t take a bottle of wine and guzzle it in two minutes. If you don’t like it, spit it out. If you like it, there’s no need to devour it like a simple-minded buffoon! And gum, why the hell do you feel the need to swallow gum? You’re like a desert pack animal regurgitating its cud that doesn’t know when to spit or swallow. There’s a crossed wire in your mind-to-mouth reflexes! You don’t bite hard candy, and you don’t swallow gum, get a clue you nerds!