Except in my household. I can’t even get non-casual sex. Have fun with the herpes, losers!
Daily Archives: April 10, 2010
Conspiraporn’s List of Things that Piss Me Off: #91
Surely there are 100 things I could list that piss me off
91) People who create lists
You hear that you bitch! I’m talking to you! Why do you feel the need to make a list of things just because it’s the popular and trendy thing to do? You should be ashamed of yourself, you’re clearly not living up to your full potential and are obviously letting down your family and friends. You must be so proud: “Oh, look at me, I created a list to post on the Internet, I’m so cool!” What a fucking loser your are, deserving of the mockery of the gods. I pity you and spit on your memory! The tombstone of the Internet will be a list of 10 reasons why the Internet collapsed and why our monkey-oppressors are now holding the knife to our throats with devilish glee. I’m also pissed that THIS DUDE already made a list of 100 things that piss him off! I swear, nothing is original these days.
Conspiraporn’s List of Things that Piss Me Off: #92
Surely there are 100 things I could list that piss me off
92) Phallic Shaped Fruits and Vegetables
I’m on to you pickles! I’ve got your number cucumbers! Don’t even think about it bananas and zucchini! Has this ever happened to you?: You’re just sitting there minding your own businesses, when all of a sudden, BAM! There’s a giant cucumber stuffed up your ass! How the hell did that get there?! Or maybe you’re taking a nice bubble bath and enjoying a book by candle-light when out of nowhere, BAM! There’s a large banana shoved down your throat and two dill pickles firmly inserted in your butt-hole! Enjoying a nice, leisurely stroll through the park on a spring day? Be alert or the next thing you know your sphincter and mouth with be violated by perverted fruits and vegetables that will use your tender flesh as their fertile soil. And don’t even get me started on hot-dogs, they are the devil’s hell hound!!!
Conspiraporn’s List of Things that Piss Me Off: #93
Surely there are 100 things I could list that piss me off
93) Sexy Vampires
If there are gonna be sexy vampires, at least make them hot ladies with big tits. Otherwise, you’re kinda boring me. Back in the day, Dracula was the epitome of undead machismo, then came Blacula and all hell broke lose in the Vampire Universe. I understand that sex plays a big part in the vampire mythos, but in no way is it meant to be interpreted as the PRIMARY MOTIVATION of vampire entertainment. Vampires are meant to be frightening and haunting harbingers of death and disease, not this month’s cover-boy on ‘TEENBOP’ magazine. When your 5 year old little sister just “loooooooves” vampires and has posters hanging on her wall, you know you’ve got a big problem on your hands deserving of full scale intervention. Don’t invite them in to your home, they’ve hypnotized you all! “Oooh, but there’s a deeper message behind sexy male vampire movies”. Really? STFU!
Conspiraporn’s List of Things that Piss Me Off: #94
Surely there are 100 things I could list that piss me off
94) Simon Cowell
What more needs to be said? This dude is the reason all religious texts are pointing towards 2012 as the apocalypse. Typical “scathing British” review, with formulaic GONG SHOW ingenuity; AMERICAN IDOL is the reason suicide was invented and David Carradine accidentally hung himself while masturbating in a closet. Simply put, Simon Cowell sucks donkey dicks while America votes for the least horrible and most attractive moron they can find. If he had an action figure based after him it would come with “Satan Cock Guzzling Action!”. Cowell couldn’t even beat an Alzheimer’s patient in a game of checkers at the park bench. For Christ’s sake, Chef Gordon Ramsey has more talent than this man-boobed twit, at least he can cook and cleans your kitchen. It’s shows like these that makes America the most stupidestest nation on earth. It gets you to expect everything while getting nothing besides broken dreams, smelly VD, and a coke addiction.
CONSPIRAPORN! 